Apropos of my last post and the Honourable Member (in its double entendre sense) for Monmouth, David – with a nonentit-‘e’ Davies – Laban Tall has kindly popped up in the comments and pointed me towards this fine example of David’s unquestioned commitment to equality and tolerance.

Sunday, August 28, 2005 – More PC nonsense

A story in the Telegraph revealed that a £48000 lottery grant is being used to make a film about the “traditions” of gypsy travellers.

The film will be shown to schoolchildren in Hampshire. I have written the following letter to the chief executive of the Lottery.

If my application is unsuccesful (as I suspect it will be) it might at least prompt them to think about the double standards they apply when handing out barrel loads of cash to groups who want preferential treatment.

Copy of Letter to Carole Souter Director Heritage Lottery Fund 7 Holbein Place London:

I am writing to you in the hope that you might see fit to consider my interesting, vital and culturally-relevant application for a grant from the “Your Heritage” scheme.

Following on from the £48,000 you gave for the production of a video aimed at giving schoolchildren a greater understanding of the culture and traditions of “Gypsy Travellers,” I am very keen to commission an equally “useful” and “informative” piece of film that will serve to educate said “gypsy travellers” on some of the ancient traditions and communal practices of another group of people, who we might called “settled folk”.

I use the term to describe that large group of people in Britain who opt to live their lives in houses or flats. Although large in number “settled folk” often face prejudice and misunderstanding from gypsy travellers when they come into contact with them.

I should like my film to focus on such issues as the importance which the “settled community” place on property rights, their rigid adherence to an ancient code which they refer to as “planning regulations,” and the time honoured custom of clearing up one’s rubbish. Should time allow we could also include a section about the cardboard circle which settled folk purchase annually from post offices and use to adorn their vehicles – known as a tax disc.

The film could then be distributed to traveller sites across the country to give travellers an insight into the customs of the settled community. I am sure you will agree that this film will be as worthwhile and relevant as the one currently being made in Hampshire. I look forward to receiving confirmation that you find this project acceptable and will ask a film maker to get in touch.

Now I could make a few smart arse observations about pot and kettles, living in glass houses or ‘you’re a fine one to talk’, but instead I think I’ll simply borrow a word or two from John Cooper Clarke:

What kind of creature bore you
Was is some kind of bat
They can’t find a good word for you,
but I can…

TWAT.