So Dr Demento (hat tip to Simon Carr – needs ‘you know what’ juicing) has resurfaced with his 24 point plan to straighten out the criminal justice system, for which the Beeb have helpfully provided a handy little summary/guide.

Yes, all very useful – although I must admit that I’m struggling to make sense lof one or two of his proposals, probably no more so than Dr Demento, but struggling nonetheless.

Take this one, for example…

Rules which mean offenders who are re-sentenced when the government appeals against lenient sentences should see their time in jail cut to take account of the distress of being sentenced again.

You what?

So what we’re saying here is that when Mr Scumbag Rapist gets hauled back in front of a court for re-sentencing because the Daily Mail decided that he wasn’t banged up for long enough the first time around, he’ll be getting a bit of time of for being a tad pissed off at having his sentence increased?

Who’s going to be doing the sentencing here, Chris-fucking-Tarrant?

"Well, Mr Rapist, there’s youe sentence of five years… go on take a good look at it… you could take that and go to prison with it straight away…

…but we don’t want to give you that… let’s take a look at the next sentence…"

Hell, why not go the whole hog on sentencing and make it entertaining. Just get shot of the judges, bring in Noel Edmonds and settle the whole business with a game of ‘Deal or No Deal’.

"In front of you, there are fifteen boxes with sentences ranging from a conditional discharge to life imprisonment… ah, yes, that’ll be the banker, Dr Demento, on the phone… yes… yes… okay, you’re sure about that…

Well, Mr Rapist. The banker thinks you look like a man who might be willing to do a deal, so he’s prepare to make you an offer of seven years… Now it’s your choice but that looks like a reasonable offer to me, so what do you want to do? Is it deal or no deal?"

Then there’s this one…

All prosecutors will have to take a new pledge to protect the interests of victims

What the fuck is that all about? Is this what they have in mind…?

I pledge of allegiance to the victims of the United Kingdom and to the tabloid headlines for which they stand, one sentence under Blair indivisible with ASBOs and summary justice for all.

And also…

Ministers also plan to make violent criminals pay for their victims’ medical treatment

Interesting idea… although I do wonder how the private sector might respond to it…

Err… Hello..? BUPA? Good… Look, I’m interested in arranging insurance cover for medical expenses…

You do…? Well, that is good news…

Accident cover..? Err… that’s not quite what I had in mind, not accidents anyway…

Look, let’s cut to the chase, here. Do you cover muggings, ABH and wounding with intent…?

And then there’s also…

Ministers are to consult on how to ensure people who the courts agree are guilty cannot go free because of irregularities in procedure.

That should be the shortest consultation in history then…

Minister: How can we ensure people who the courts agree are guilty cannot go free because of irregularities in procedure

Public: Try doing your fucking job properly in the first place, you half-baked twat!

There, that was easy…

Meanwhile, sneaking out of the backdoor of the Twatcave, the BBC also noticed this…

Extended use of on-the-spot fines and faster magistrates courts are expected to be announced by the Lord Chancellor, Lord Falconer.

Now Dr Demento‘s had his say, its time for his crime fighting buddy, the Minister for Shite, to get in on the act with…

Friday’s plans are expected to build on existing pilot schemes in four areas where courts have been trying out procedures designed to speed up justice by removing delays and dealing with most trials within a few weeks of first hearing.

Other moves could include allowing police officers to issue instant anti-social behaviour orders.

Crown Prosecution Service prosecutors based in police stations could hand out fines and conditional cautions, while thousands of driving and TV licence offences could be dealt with outside the courts, freeing them up for more serious matters.

Instant ASBOs? Prosecutors handing out sentences? This is Alice In Wonderland stuff isn’t it? Would any MP care to ask the Minister for Shite just exactly when the Queen of Hearts became one of his special policy advisors?

BTW, folks – try googling for Minister for Shite – go on, I dare you…

All in all, I think we can safely sum up the government’s criminal justice policy in one single sentence…

“Justice is incidental to law and order.”

Oh.. should mention… it was J Edgar Hoover who first said that… not that I want you to worry or anything…