On February 29th 2002, the famed English explorer and gentleman adventurer, Sir Norville Twiston-Shout VC. DFC. MFI and Bar, was reported missing while on a fly-fishing expedition to the notorious upper reaches of the River Lumbum.

Three years later, to the day, Inspector Philippe Singe de Nez of the Paris Gendarmerie discovered a man fitting Sir Norville’s general description in a dank and dismal cellar during a midnight raid on Madame Fifi’s House of Recreational Correction in the Rue de la Lapin Effréné. The man was chained to the cellar wall by his testicles and wearing only a pair of shop-soiled lederhosen, a latex mask and a pair of Marks and Spencer’s ‘comfy-knit’ thermal socks.

The man was taken immediately by ambulance to the Asylum de Giscard D’Estang where despite the solicitous care of several of France’s top psychoanalysts he would spend days on end rocking quietly in his bed while clutching the charred remains of battered leather diary. During the three years he spent at the asylum before his death two weeks ago he spoke only once when, having grabbed a member of nursing staff warmly by the left breast he announced:

“85 for 4 at tea? Damn fellah bowled me a fine old googly and no mistake!