The Times has published a set of sample questions that migrants will be asked on applying for British citizenship; together with the offical answers to the questions.

Of course, the thing about really being British is that the actual answers will differ markedly from those the government thinks we should give, as shown below:

1) Where are Geordie, Cockney, and Scouse spoken?

In TV soap operas.

2) What are MPs?

People who only remember that we live in a democracy every 4 or 5 years when a general election is called and their jobs are on the line.

3) What is the Church of England and who is its head?

A complete waste of time which should be abolished.

Oh, that’s the answer to both parts of the question, by the way.

4) What is the Queen’s official role and what ceremonial duties does she have?

The Queen’s official role is to entice obese American tourists to come to London so they can be gouged by London’s tourist attractions.

The Queen’s ceremonial duties are to to entice obese American tourists to come to London so they can be gouged by London’s street vendors.

5) Do many children live in single parent families or step-families?

Not according to the people who run City Academies.

6) Which two telephone numbers can be used to dial the emergency services?

112, 123, 555, 999.

If you’ve been binge drinking, any of them – unless you’ve already vandalised the phone box.

7) Which of these courts uses a jury system?

Magistrates’ Court, Crown Court, Youth Court or County Court.

If the Home Office had its way, none of them.

8) Your employer can dismiss you for joining a trade union. True or false?

It all depends whether your employer is owned by Wal-Mart.

9) Which of these statements is correct?

A single television licence covers all televisions in a home.

Neither. According to the TV Licencing Agency a television licence is required as long their computer says you’re still breathing.

Now when do I get my passport.